161923

Joke of the Day

"Fell asleep next to a beautiful woman I met last night. I tell you what, she was PISSED to wake up next to a stranger... And that goes double for her husband."

"If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I'm on to something..."

"I'll never be able to clean my house faster than when someone texts saying they're coming over."

"First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?"

"(All credit goes to my 4 year old niece) How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles!"

"My mom got remarried to a man with a son, and he just crapped in our bathroom. So now I have a step-father, a step-brother, and a step-stool!"

"(NSFW) Let's have a bet Let's have a bet. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a good dad. If I am a good dad, you will give me a million pounds. If I'm not, I'll beat the shit out of my kids, deal?"

"I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini.. Apparently, it runs faster."

"""So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device?"" The latter."

"5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT."