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Joke of the Day

"Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I'm in the floor hanging on for dear life."

"I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands."

"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?"

"Have you seen that movie Constipated? It hasn't come out yet."

"You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!"

"Just got a call from the head of Twitter (Paul Twitter). He says great opinions everyone, he's looking forward to more opinions tomorrow."

"What food do Japanese people serve as an apology when they have offended someone? Miso sorry..."

"I was burgled last night, someone stole all my documents. I was de-filed."

"Hey Feminazis, I sprained my wrist jet-skiing this weekend, so you can shut up about the ""pain of childbirth."""

"Handjob contest Beat off the competition"