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Joke of the Day

"[hanging out w mob] ""Tony sleeps with the fishes"" *they all laugh* [self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys"

"A tree fell on a family's house and killed everybody. It was rootless."

"replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground"

"Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says ""I'll have h2o"" The second scientist says ""I'll have a water"" The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan."

"Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One of them turns to the other and says ""I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"""

"just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I'm gonna need a minute"

"The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation."

"[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over"

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life."

"What do you call a cow with five legs? Rare."