175169

Joke of the Day

"[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over"

"How is Santa like a paedophile? They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks."

"Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*"

"You know what the downside about Crotchless panties is.. One ball always manages to slip out.."

"[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex"

"Once i did the ""is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.."" line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face"

"So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day... ...or as other people call it Twelve Years A Slave."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... In the kitchen."

"I'm thinking about going to the male pornstar tryouts... ... but I heard there's some stiff competition."

"How do New Zealander's find sheep in long grass? Delightful"