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Joke of the Day

"PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car...DONT TELL ME!. Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?"

"My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said ""not now"" so wish us luck we're officially married."

"""Have a seat"" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* ""Dad I..."" **Dad puts up hand* ""Please don't call me that."""

"It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall."

"My girl friend wanted a nose job... So I tried. But her nostrils weren't big enough."

"Them: We're concerned about you. We think you're a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee] Me: No thanks. I'm trying not to eat between males"

"How do you catch a polar bear? You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."

"What did the US President with Alzheimer's ask his wife? Who are you?"

"Just made sweet love to a juicy steak. Being escorted out of the restaurant now."

"what's the square root of 69? ate something."