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Joke of the Day
"You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg"
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"Why did Hillary go to the OB/GYN? She was feelin' the Bern!"
"How do you get someone to pay child support? Blackmail."
"Where does Christian Grey make photocopies? FedEx Kinky's"
"WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies"
"""Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?"" Wife: ""Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?"" ""...Yes"" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*"
"[Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this"
"To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball."
"For years I've been wiping my arse with my right hand. I now realise that I should have been using toilet paper."
"I was in a second hand shop. ""I was wondering if you had any condoms?"" I asked the owner. ""Don't be ridiculous,"" he remarked, ""Of course not."" I said, ""You're a brave guy, I like your style."""