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Joke of the Day

"When I wake up every morning, things always go well. I'm like the optimistic amputee who always starts his day off on the right foot."

"My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat"

"You know how I know it's lunch time? Reddit is slow as fuck"

"Have you seen the movie, Constipated? Of course not. It hasn't came out, yet"

"Waiter waiter does the pianist play requests? Yes sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal."

"Me: I don't care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don't start cooperating. Wrapping paper: *rips*"

"My ex-wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! Ya see its funny because marriage is terrible."

"Hey, what's the difference between reddit and LOTR? In the books and movies, the trolls didn't type."

"Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month"

"I'm 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do?"