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Joke of the Day

"just ran into my high school biology teacher. she said ""i figured you'd have cured cancer by now."" then i washed bird shit off her tahoe"

"Does Al Pacino think that he's getting paid by the decibel?"

"Best thing about being a professional bagpiper is.. We get the best blow jobs."

"What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry."

"How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!"

"Two atoms walking down the street ... ... one turns to the other and says ""I think I've lost an electron"". The other replies ""F*ck me, a talking atom!"""

"Say what you will about us hypocrites, but the standards we claim to have are WAY higher than yours."

"I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal."

"*starts throwing a fit* Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers. Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro."

"Hey, people who act like they're about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out."