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Joke of the Day
"I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal."
Next Joke
"Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: what Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: WHAT Evil Queen: on the wall Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry"
"When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?"
"CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face."
"Tater Tots are chewed up French Fries"
"On a scale of 1 to 'Maxi pad with wings' How self-absorbed are you?"
"What do you call an extremely constipated person? Whatever you like. They don't give a shit."
"Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door."
"Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over."
"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, but you can't get them out."