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Joke of the Day

"You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool. I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that."

"My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis."

"[genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me"

"*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live"

"what is a vegetable's favorite singer? elvis parsley what is a fly's favorite singer? gnat king cole"

"My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come."

"Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!"

"You think you have a bad job? I'm working at the Return Desk at Toy R' Us in Connecticut"

"I'm optimistic. My life is only half full of shit."

"THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS"