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Joke of the Day

"*Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it."

"I went to donate a kidney once.. I went in to donate a kidney once but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from -Jimmy Carr"

"Death is like a chance to fuck in high school or college If you find out how it was close - you will be surprised."

"Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes"

"Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer."

"What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower? 10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head."

"haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop"

"911: Whats ur emergency? ""OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-"" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- ""-of my sons mouth."""

"What is similar between gas and water? Not much, but in Flint they are both regular and unleaded"

"Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? A. Donut seeds."