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Joke of the Day

"I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy."

"A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds."

"When your friend offers you free food, all trust is gone out the window!!! The fuck did you do to it? Nothing, I swear! Okay I'll take a fucking bite."

"I think we should solve world hunger. You might say I'm a strong believer in world peas. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out..."

"I'm a bad person... (NSFW) Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday."

"Women's sports"

"Anyone ever see Stevie Wonders wife? Neither has he."

"One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol."

"What do you call a hatred for large plants? Bigotree"

"How long can a frog hold its breath underwater? Until it croaks..."