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Joke of the Day

"A recent study was released on head lice stating that 95% of lice populations are resistant to treatment. Scientists are scratching their heads trying to figure out how this happened."

"How can you spot a Canadian They're the ones that say ""Thank You"" to the ATM"

"Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty? Me: Is that water or vodka? Him: Vodka. Me: Empty."

"I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one."

"Big things DO NOT always come in small packages! I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella."

"what's the strongest part of a vegetable? the wheel chair."

"Shopping with girlfriend, she says, ""let's go down this aisle."" Me - K. Why? Her - It's a surprise. Me - K. Why? Her - Just grab that. *points* Me - K. Why? Her - KY. Me - K... Her - Y."

"My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How's your night going?"

"Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut."

"""Where are you all going?"" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. ""You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band"