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Joke of the Day

"Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty? Me: Is that water or vodka? Him: Vodka. Me: Empty."

"A cowboy walks into a German car convention... He sees a beautiful woman, walks up to her and says, ""Audi"""

"Hi, I'm Captain Morgan and this is my uptight brother, J.P."

"Pete Rose is really bummed that Major League Baseball didn't reinstate him... he was gettin' some great odds bettin' they would"

"What do mechanical keyboards want for dinner? Chicken ticka ticka ticka masala"

"new password. I was trying to come up with a new password for one of my sites, jokingly I typed in 'mypenis'. Message came back, 'sorry not long enough;"

"Why kill time when you can make it work for you?"

"If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han."

"What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair."

"What does Reddit and fat people have in common? A LOT of people don't like them right now"