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Joke of the Day

"Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once"

"9yo: Look what I made! Me: What? 9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars! Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make."

"I eat my pop tarts frozen like the vikings used to have them."

"What's a room full of saurkraut? Over-krauted."

"I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. *wife phones* Wife: What you doing? Husband: Missing you."

"3 Best Uses for Oven Timers: 1. Remind you of beer in the freezer 2. Pizza rolls 3. Notify guests when their time's up & they should leave"

"There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks."

"How can you tell it's a porno actor filling up his car at the next pump? Just before he gets to twenty bucks he pulls out the nozzle and shoots it all over the trunk."

"Stop taking my book seriously - God"

"Whats a Feminist's favorite math subject? Triggerednometry"