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Joke of the Day

"Me: I need a raise Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles"

"I just got a haircut, but I'm not sure I like it. When I stood up from the barber's chair, I felt extremely lightheaded."

"Why do fat girls give great head? Because they have to"

"How does a candy bar laugh? It snickers"

"Did you hear about the campers with explosive diarrhea? That shi* was intense."

"If you feel like procrastinating... ...Just do it tomorrow instead."

"A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone."

"There are 4 million battered women in the US. But I like mine plain."

"ESPIONAGE: teen dresses up as a dad for a PTA meeting ""i think drugs are cool and we should back off"" *snapback falls out of pocket* *gasps*"

"If I had a shot of whiskey for every time I thought of you, I'd be sober."