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Joke of the Day

"What time do Lumberjacks take their tea-break? TREE O'clock!"

"It's that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year."

"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that."

"I don't know if I should go after that ghost or not. ~Drunk Pac-Man"

"Hello? 911? Could you warn the Byzantine empire that Leo VI is going to die next year and they should appreciate him while they can?"

"My trip to the psychiatrist. Me: I have a crippling fear of backstories. Psychiatrist: So when did this begin? Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Neighbor: Awww! She's adorable! What is she? Me: A dog. Duh. Neighbor..."

"Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming."

"If Yo Yo Ma doesn't answer the phone by saying ""cello"" then I consider his entire life a failure."

"Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don't wash the vegetables when I make their salads."