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Joke of the Day

"I touch myself when I think of you Oh! Wait It's not what you're thinking, I mean I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you."

"It still amazes me that you need a license to catch a fish but any asshole can be a parent."

"I went to see Walt Disney on ice It was a bit disappointing, just an old bloke in a freezer."

"What did the sick waiter say when his manager asked him if he could come into work? I can't wait."

"What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I didn't pay 50 bucks to have a lentil on my face last night."

"What's a vaccines favorite song? Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots"

"You know it's love when you let her commit to your source tree without reviewing her code."

"Tweeting angrily about issues does nothing. If you really want to make a difference, you have to get out there and sign an online petition."

"What did the snail say when put on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeee"

"If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear."