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Joke of the Day

"What are you supposed to do when someone is having a seizure in the bath? ...throw a load of dirty laundry in."

"Text your friends but leave voicemails for your enemies."

"(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating."

"Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room."

"What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off"

"Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?"

"Who is this rorschach guy..... and why does he paint all these pictures of my parents fighting."

"what is a ghosts favorite lunch meat? Boo-loney :D"

"Using only a paperclip, taffy, and rubber band, MacGuyver left another shitty tip."

"What do you call an eerie French pastry chef? A crepe."