128486

Joke of the Day

"My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore."

"Zooey Deschanel always looks like she's been shown a card trick"

"My kids have already agreed to have me frozen. I just wish they'd wait until I'm dead."

"I think my Christmas Tree is a male. It keeps bragging about its ""trunk size."""

"You may refer to him as Cap'n Crunch to others, but you must still salute him in person."

"I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ..."

"If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European"

"Reddit told me to talk to a crush just like I'd talk to anyone else, didn't work Apparently ""Hi, shithead"" wasn't the correct thing to say"

"[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here's some...DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]"

"Brain: HEY 2am let's think about Greg Me: Ok Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it Me: Wa...what? Brain: Owned"