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Joke of the Day

"Today, I walked into a restaurant. ""Hi, is my table ready?"" ""No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"" ""No, that's okay."" ""Great, take these salads to table six then."""

"I used to be addicted to soap But im clean now"

"Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious."

"The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said ""I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it."

"If human smiths make tempered steel... do dwarven ones make short-tempered steel?"

"I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I've no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I'll need a drink as I wait for a ride."

"A woman is on trial For beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says,'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'''"

"[at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait."

"I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed."

"I think my ex girlfriend is obsessed with me... I just found a picture of us together in a bin outside her house!"