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Joke of the Day

"Dear Alcohol We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk."

"What's the difference between Ellen Pao and a pitbull? Lipstick"

"Mercurian day So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long... In other words - one Earth Monday."

"God says to jesus, ""You remembered it's father's day?"" Jesus says ""what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!"" *God turns & winks at camera* ""Omnipresents."""

"I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial."

"I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out."

"A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam."

"What do you call a sad suicidal bird? A Robin Williams."

"Why are most guys like floor tile? Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them from the rest of your life!"

"I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it"