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Joke of the Day

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You're now your own worst enemy. Don't freak out."

"Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem..."

"""So your telling me that you'd be willing to lick your SO's butthole..."" ""But all be damned if you would share a toothbrush!"""

"I have to go to twitter for my news because the news is too busy showing me tweets."

"Did you hear about the sick ghost? He had oooooo-ping cough."

"I've spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted."

"A blonde was asked why her list skipped every other number... She replied I can't even"

"My three year old had a nightmare last night He lost his ipad"

"How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane."

"Life is like a packet of jelly beans Nobody likes the black ones"