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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?"

"[school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!"

"You want to know the only thing wrong with rap music? It doesn't have a C in front of it."

"I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier. I can't stress enough."

"When asking a girl out it's important to show you respect her. Try writing your number on a Tubman Twenty so she knows your a feminist."

"If you throw a banjo and accordian off a tall building, which one hits the ground first... Who cares?"

"How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one more."

"What kind of music does your mailman like? Postrock/Postpunk"

"putting a sweater on your dog?? lol what's next, another harmless thing that only bothers me because i'm lonely"

"Donald Trump is going to demand to see Hilary Clinton's birth certificate... to make sure she is a woman."