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Joke of the Day
"How do you get a musician off your porch? Pay for the pizza."
Next Joke
"How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the stove."
"Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail."
"Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: ""Wire"" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]"
"I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As...."
"5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no"
"Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid."
"[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]"
"What do 0/10 little boys enjoy? Catholic priests"
"It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again."