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Joke of the Day

"My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn't find the words to thank them."

"When someone says ""everything happens for a reason"" I'd like to smack them and say ""yeah, I guess you're right"""

"ME: ""I don't like this movie."" HIM: ""We are at a funeral."" ME: ""Who directed this?"" HIM: ""A bear attack."" ME: ""Never heard of him."""

"How does a musician make a million dollars? They start with 2 million."

"A kid has a nightmare amd runs to his mom's room ""Moom I just wet the bed!"" he cried. ""...so did I!"" she exclaimed, quickly shutting her sock drawer."

"Sent him a pic and he replied ""BOOM!!"" Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade."

"What do you call a bell which doesn't do it's work? A rebell"

"I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like ""If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit."""

"Prostitutes are really over achievers... I mean all they do is succeed."

"I heard my roommate jacking off once It wouldn't have been so awkward if he hadn't been standing right behind me."