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Joke of the Day

"""What would be your main strength?"" Well, I can communicate with animals... ""Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?"" They can't understand me."

"A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies ""Sorry. We don't serve food""."

"I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail."

"What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled milk."

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a member of ISIS? One sucks and makes you explode, the other explodes and it sucks"

"I told my cheating girlfriend I was studying to become a magician And for my first act, I was disappearing out of her life."

"There are two types of people in the world Employed people and english majors"

"GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?"

"[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7"" or the black 9"". Me: The black 9"". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward."

"I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter."