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Joke of the Day

"""Strive to be the man you want your daughter to marry"" ~ Woody Allen"

"How do you discipline a pet rock? You hit rock bottom"

"According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week."

"[spelling bee] Your word is 'golfed' ""May I have it in a sentence please?"" Sure. He golfed with a tee. ""G-O-L-F-T"""

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude"

"I was gonna tell you guys a gay joke... ...butt fuck it"

"26 letters, minus the U. What do you get? A solipsistic Alphabet."

"Damn girl, are you sandpaper? Because I want you to rub my wood."

"Grandma got run over by a Prius. Grandma is fine. The Prius is totaled. And there's glitter and Obama stickers everywhere. Merica."

"I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!"