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Joke of the Day

"Proof that road construction workers are lazy They're always just [milling](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pavement_milling) about!"

"Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry."

"[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* ""CAN I FEED THEM?"" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*"

"You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe."

"What will a blind, deaf child with no arms get for Christmas? Cancer."

"Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command ""Press Any Key"" to ""Press Return Key"" because of the flood of calls asking where the ""Any"" key is."

"I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me."

"I haven't slept for ten days... ... Because that would be too long."

"How many ears do Star Trek fans have? 3, Right Ear, Left Ear and The Final Front-Ear."

"I've been invited to an avoidance. An avoidance? What's that? It's a dance for people who hate each other."