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Joke of the Day

"I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to."

"hate when people walk in on me naked! What's this world coming to when u can't get a moment to yourself at toy r us?"

"""What would you say is your greatest weakness?"" Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won't hire me."

"No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here."

"What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now? Kids."

"Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.."

"If a penis/vagina was asked to judge your appearance it would probably say.... Urinate"

"The WORST trick the Devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world he wasn't fat by wearing a t-shirt in the pool."

"My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep"

"Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle."