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Joke of the Day

"[blind date gets in car] Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch 'em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first."

"What are the two fastest things in the world? Second fastest: your butthole snapping shut. Fastest: That little drop of water..."

"My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her ""bitch refresher course""."

"Did you know there are 260 bones in the human body? Want one more?"

"I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, ""What's new?"" I said, ""It's an adjective."""

"Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo drizzle"

"Some chump in an orange apron in B&Q just asked me if I wanted decking... Fortunately I got the first punch in."

"It hurts? That's the body's way of showing you it's healing. It doesn't hurt? That's the body's way of showing you it's healing. - Doctors"

"My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. ""To fight the Decepticons,"" I said. She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."

"How do you tell when a girl really wants you? When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse."