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Joke of the Day

"Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years"

"Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? So the Marine have something to hold on to."

"I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, ""We need to talk!"""

"[job interview] You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer? [i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder] Yes"

"I have a joke Susan Boyle"

"What do you call a number that cant keep still? A roamin numeral."

"The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor."

"My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been talking about Carly Fiorina for years: ""Carly Fiorina needs water,"" ""Carly Fiorina is a great state,"" blah blah blah."

"""Why are you glowing?"" ""I've been eating light."""