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Joke of the Day

"I lied to my wife about what I was doing. I told her I was laminating copies of my newest novel. But that was only a cover for my story."

"What happened to the pimp who ate too much Italian food? He got Pasta-toots."

"Ben Carson is the best sleep walker ever Sometimes he wakes up and finds out he's standing on Republican presidential debate stage."

"If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you Not all this ""how the hell did you get in my house"" and ""I'm calling the cops"" business"

"Girl, do you have a defibrillator? Cause my heart stops everytime I see you"

"""Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo"", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to ""remove pizza from box before consumption""."

"Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent? Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate."

"Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together."

"Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots."

"I asked my Chinese girlfriend for a 69 last night. She said 'Fuck off, I'm not cooking at this time of night'"