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Joke of the Day

"My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for Christmas I don't think they understood when I said 'I wanna watch'"

"I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery"

"Never trust atoms... ...they make up everything."

"Tip: if you often say things like ""there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence"" they won't ask you to mentor new coworkers."

"My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis I said maybe.."

"*notices battery is at 4%* *goes into airplane mode* *turns down brightness* *exits all apps* *prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*"

"What do you call a WWII battle that finished it's senior year at communism school? Leningrad"

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car."

"I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch."

"Monday I start my new job at PepsiCo. They told me I need to show up with nothing but a Can O' Dew attitude."