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Joke of the Day

"Him: You're pretty obnoxious. You know that? Me: I'm sorry. All I heard was pretty."

"Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks."

"Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money's on LACK of intelligence."

"Taking my dog to the park is the same as my checking Reddit... We check out all the posts and piss on half of them."

"I was dating a radiologist... but it didn't work out: she could see right though me."

"How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? I'm sorry, what?"

"I don't always have pre-marital sex... But when I do it's not with my wife."

"I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets' We've already been called the best cover band of all time"

"Whiteboards are just the best In fact, they're remarkable"

"People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter."