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Joke of the Day

"I took this girl home after our date... Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card? Her: *softly* holy shit"

"""I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes"" Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow ""No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"""

"If Jesus died for our sin... Who died for our cos and tan?"

"I HATE when people rub things in my face. Unless it's boobs."

"I'm a suicide bomber with confidence issues, AMA! EDIT: Wow, this blew up!"

"I like my women how I like my whiskey... Aged 12 years"

"What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time? He screwed, nutted, and bolted."

"Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp espressivo'."

"Go to a Mexican restaurant, get a table for two, tell them you're waiting for your date & then eat free chips & salsa for 7 years."

"Two Helium Atoms Are Bonding. HeHe"