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Joke of the Day

"What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time? He screwed, nutted, and bolted."

"If 50 cent went broke what would he still have? lotta bills.."

"[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*"

"If you eat guns, you'll sweat bullets. It's science."

"I'm not a narcissist. Narcissists spend their time looking at themselves in the mirror. I don't need to do that to know I look fabulous."

"If someone calls you fat... Just turn the other chin."

"Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: I don't have any other feet.. Me: Fair enough."

"I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors... It's just something I can see myself doing."

"Hillary, why are your socks so saggy? I'm not wearing socks"

"Blowdryer Incident Bob's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, ""heating up your breakfast"" was not the right answer!"