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Joke of the Day

"Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above"

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"If babies named Todd don't call themselves ""The Toddler"" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?"
"I'm not very religious but... I'm praying that next year there will be a Jew who can pardon me of all my crimes!"
"""My fellow Americans-"" Barack ""we are working tirelessly-"" Sir ""to make sure-"" Barack. You're still wearing ur xbox headset"
"If by 'paleontologist' you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist."
"BALD FLEAS Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? A: Homeless."
"Did you hear that Sean Connery tried out speed-dating but he ended up making all his dates sick? He was told it was a shingles club."
"Ellen Pao right now [deleted]"
"I'm not racist... I'm not racist, cause racism is a crime, and crime is for black people."
"I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day."