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Joke of the Day

"If by 'paleontologist' you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist."

"Smart golfers always wear two pairs of pants in case they get a hole in one."

"Back in WW2 I used to be a seaman... Now I just put it all over my wife's ass."

"It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow."

"""Help! Someone has been killed at the dance!"" Ok, well calm down. We don't want any panic at the disco."

"Where is Wallace at? Where is his oscar nomination?"

"-hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! -oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-"

"When skinny girls say ""I'm so fat"" to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree."

"I was just reading about the Volkswagen fiasco recently, and something puzzled me. It's not like Germans to get gas emissions wrong."

"Smiling is disencoursged in my country. It isn't illegal but it is frowned upon."