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Joke of the Day

"Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor. Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you? Me: NO! Dr: <blink> Me: One TINY Google."

"Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me. Jim Jefferies"

"When you're really angry, instead of saying a filthy curse word, try yelling ""Finnegan's Biscuits!"" I find it quite satisfying."

"What do you call sandpaper in Iraq? A map."

"I'm not a quitter. ""Lights cigarette"""

"I looked at the calendar and thought, ""It's been one of those days today."""

"I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution."

"A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like ""Does it really fire babies?"" & ""Have you seen my son Jeff?"""

"I envision my high school English teacher reading my tweets, lighting up cigarette after cigarette and putting each one out on her arm."

"Star Wars Joke... What did Obi-Wan Kenobi tel Luke Skywalker at the brothel? ""Luke! May the whores be with you!"""