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Joke of the Day

"A friend of mine asked if you could catch AIDS from a toilet seat. I said, only if you sit down before the other guy gets up."

"TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking ""Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"" I replied ""No, only guns."""

"WHAT DO WE WANT? RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?? NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"I went to donate a kidney once.. I went in to donate a kidney once but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from -Jimmy Carr"

"POP RACIST MATH PROBLEM QUIZ! Jamal has $600 rims on his car. He's traveling at 45 mph. How many children does Jamal have? show your work."

"If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, ""Yeah, I heard it sucks"""

"I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones"

"It's fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you're sleeping & know when you're awake it's ""creepy"" and ""sir, you're under arrest"""

"Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday."

"I met my SO while working for a German newspaper It was love at first Zeit"