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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He would always stop at nothing to avoid them."

"What did the pirate say to the other pirate? Don't touch my booty"

"I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it. Grounds for divorce."

"What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce. *drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*"

"A priest checks into a hotel... says to the clerk, ""I assume the porn is disabled."" Clerk says, ""No! It's just regular porn you sick freak!"""

"My girlfriend is a special snowflake She's cold and flaky."

"How do you make a woman scream? You fuck her in the ass. How do you make her scream again? You wipe your dick off with the drapes."

"I feel more shame when someone glances at my computer or phone and catches me looking at Facebook, than I would if it were porn."

"chewing tobacco must've been a hard sell: Do you like nicotine but hate smoke but love to spit smelly wet chunks of leaves? Well guess what"

"I like to finish everyone's drinks at parties and then call them out for being drunks."