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Joke of the Day

"When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.... ... Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth."

"me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school."

"I came up with a great joke about a boomerang but I forgot it. I'm sure it'll come back to me."

"I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs."

"I'll take ""Much ado"" for $1000, Alex. Answer: ""John Wayne...Jeff Bridges... Donald Trump."" ""Who are The Duke, The Dude, and The Douche."""

"Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?"

"What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD? Anti-biotics"

"Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough."

"What do you call two brown people in a sleeping bag? Twix."