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Joke of the Day

"love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue"

"I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down. I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories."

"I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down."

"[running away from killer] KILLER: YOU'RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I'LL GET U ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"My roommate said he was going to quite masterbating I asked how that was going. He said, ""I don't know man I just haven't been feeling myself."""

"Coach Krzyzewski thinks he's playing wheel of fortune... ""I'd like to buy a foul"""

"Heard today that most feminists are lesbians that's why they can't think straight."

"Why do Russians love pho? Because they're SO-VIET"

"Try this at the bars, guaranteed 18% success rate: You: Do you have a permit to carry that? Her: Carry what? You: DAT ASS! Then issue a citation with your phone # on it."

"Neckbeard goes to the doctor, feeling abnormal. He had a ma'lady."