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Joke of the Day

"If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing."

"Boss: ""late again I see"" Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: ""your moms late."" Brain: wow...."

"So, a rapist, a sadist, and a pothead walk into a bar and order a beer... The bartender says ""Sorry, we don't serve the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive backfield here."""

"What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black."

"So I learned how to count yesterday.... It was as easy as 1, 2, 8"

"What goes ""Tick Tock, woof woof""? A watchdog."

"The people in commercials care about me & want to help."

"WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES"

"[texting] ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game. me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident."

"What's the difference between a Clinton inauguration and a Wu-Tang reunion? There's a chance of another Wu-Tang Reunion happening."