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Joke of the Day

"[pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I'm missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*"

"When the blonde found out her toaster wasn't water proof, she was shocked. A man walked into a therapist office wearing nothing but shrink wrap. The therapist said, ""I can clearly see you're nuts"""

"Donald Trump has written a lot of books about business... They all end at chapter 11. Nice one Hillary!!"

"Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note."

"My parents once sent me abroad for the summer I didn't learn a thing from her."

"How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a heterosexual woman? Shit in her cunt. (its just a joke people)"

"""You haven't listened to a word I've said."" Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation."

"You know Santa came when.. There's more milk in the glass than when you left it."

"Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes."

"Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs."