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Joke of the Day

"A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond ""Could this night get any worse?"" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth"

"My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money"

"Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much."

"Him: You hang up first. Me: *click"

"Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies. Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face."

"Why doesn't the sun go to college? It's extremely bright, it already has 28 million degrees."

"An English Girl.. WIFE: ""I'm going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"" HUSBAND: ""An English girl."" After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: ""Where is my gift?"" WIFE: ""Wait for nine months!"""

"What do you call someone who worships balls? Sack-religious."

"Why didn't Pinocchio make it thru puberty? He caught on fire."

"How to make pasta: -Boil water. -Put what you think couldn't possibly be too much pasta in the pot. -Wrong. -Start an Italian restaurant."