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Joke of the Day
"Your momma so slutty... ...her spirit animal is the swallow."
Next Joke
"Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom."
"If you put your ear really close to someone's knee you can actually hear... ...them say: ""What the fuck are you doing?!"""
"[at the pearly gates] I said, ""send me a selfie."" Then she said, ""too ugly today."" So I said, ""never stopped you before"" ...& here I am."
"I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap."
"Her: Eckspecially. Me: *walks away*"
"Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym."
"Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents!"
"It's called a ""remote"" because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel."
"What word grows smaller when you add two letters to it? Add ""er"" to short and it becomes shorter."