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Joke of the Day

"[at the pearly gates] I said, ""send me a selfie."" Then she said, ""too ugly today."" So I said, ""never stopped you before"" ...& here I am."

"When you have kids, ""sleeping in"" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was."

"Steven Gerrard obviously believes his best chance of winning the Premier League is to join the MLS and then hope that Man City try to sign him."

"How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots."

"Him: It's so damn sexy when women bite their lip Me: Like this? Him: The bottom lip."

"What's a holocaust denier's favorite month? July"

"Once upon a time, there was a Mexican family... that had only Juan kid."

"A guy with a rock on his head hit someone and was charged with basalt and hattery."

"My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark"

"Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them."