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Joke of the Day

"My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, ""I miss you dad, please take me fishing."" But it keeps coming out like, ""Hey, can I have $20 dollars."""

"How can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel."

"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist fuck!"

"My girlfriend told me I was one in a million When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right."

"*deletes fb account* *leaves social media* *goes to Himalayas* *pigeon comes with a note* *opens note* *candy crush request* *dies*"

"If your name is Susan, I surmise you're lazy. If your name is Tom, I posit you're a peeper. If your name is Jason, I automatically assume... YOU'RE A CUNT!!! NO! SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU, JASON!!!"

"What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles"

"My week is basically: Monday Monday #2 Monday #3 Monday #4 Friday Saturday Pre-Monday"

"What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!"

"Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*"